Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Swine flu is the new snow day.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
