I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
