Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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