Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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