at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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