Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Michael Bay diarrhea
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
