I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
