the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
