My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
