If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
