we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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