Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
