somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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