Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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