Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
