half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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