I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
