it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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