guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
