Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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