Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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