I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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