I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
