"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
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Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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