I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
