I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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