once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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