Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i think im in europe. pls send help
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
