The maid of honor just puked.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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