Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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