My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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