Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
