the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
