If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
