you have to choose: penises or morals?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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