I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
