Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
