i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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