i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
