I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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