I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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