I think I won the penis lottery.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
