walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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