Your dad touched me again.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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