Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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