Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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