This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
