Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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