Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
