ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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