Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
porn star boner night. come get it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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