The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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