i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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