there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
