Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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