Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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