Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
