This is not my ceiling
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
