Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
