Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
