you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
