I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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