My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
