good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
